feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
