I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
