Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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