I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
