:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
