I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Randomize
