Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
