happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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