I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
