There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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