someone get that fucking seahorse.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
