I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
