wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Randomize
