Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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