so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
pray to the hookup gods
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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