She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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