and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
