yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Randomize
