just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
