I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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