How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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