I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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