I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
