remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
