I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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