She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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