The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
