When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Randomize
