Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
