Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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