My friends, they love my intelligence
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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