If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
