is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
quick i need to know how implid consent works for golf carts
too late i think im gettin a gcui
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
