I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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