I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
