I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
