apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
