I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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