I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
