I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I have already put on my inside pants.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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