I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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