WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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