I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
