She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
