i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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