Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
