I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
