Did you just see the Batmobile???
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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