i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
