Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
